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No. 113924
ID: efd1bb
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>>113911
>>113914
Thank you for the concern and well wishes. I have been on a spiritual journey and have come to recognize my many faults and personal failings. I have come to understand my situation and how I am to blame for it. I have been an imperfect and impure person and my own personal hell has been tailored for me, having to face my own sins over and over. The greatest of these are murder of the self, both physically and spiritually, and murder through deceit. It is said that those that kill through lies have their jaws nailed shut after their tongues are cut out so the only thing that comes out of their mouths is blood.
It has come to me that if I am not in hell, then I must be in a close approximation and undergoing this is either a test or a punishment given to me from god. I have had difficulty maintaining equanimity when dealing with the therapist appointed to me and the thoughtless perverse words that spew from her mouth. My brother is worse as he has violated his promise of secrecy and trust. Sharing my fears and sins, colluding with her to trap me. Telling her of what was done to me and what I did to myself, I hate both of them though I must pretend not to. I endure therapy that hardens my heart, I endure my brother preaching to me about how I must forgive rapists and myself even though I wish nothing more than to spit in his self serving face.
Do not worry for me, I have preserved myself through contrite prayer and fasting. The one thing afforded to me in great quantities is the time to seek spiritual forgiveness.
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